Children and their father--he used the children because I made sure I gave them a home and took care of them and he just coasted along as part of the 'family.' He didn't have a job and refused to find one saying that his contribution was to watch the children and do the laundry as well as make dinner. He called all the shots as to what his 'contributions; to the family were. It wasn't till I recently when a very good friend who was also a professional woman with two little children were married to the same kind of man. Her therapist said to her that every relationship must be 50/50. Both parents must contribute equal parts.
What a concept! Equal parts of effort and sure even if one person makes more money then the other woen should still contribute the most that they canmake into a common house hold account. their money should not be held sperately for them to use as their pocket money. The father has to contribute and support the children financially as well as in person. When he said that he made so much less than I did that he shouldnt' have to work but leave it all up to me, that should have been a warning .
As for holding down a part time job or college, again those are not good enough and are not equal shares. When divorce is actually done, the court also believes that the spouse should pay a certain amount and that the person better get a job to take care of their child properly
If only I would have known this from the beginning, I would have used that as criteria that I should have kicked him out regardless that he was the father. I would have avoided having to support him. the children also watched us and were aware of the tension. they saw the way we unsuccessfully communicated and they mimicked us when they were older.
Monday, October 31, 2011
My mother --the good and the bad things
My mother had good points and bad points, things that were important to consider as I learn to shape myself even now at this late stage of my life. In addition a critical point was to look at her objectively regarding her over health and additions.
So, to start with the good points. My mother was sometimes really funny. She had a very quirky bizarre sense of humor that mostly involved acting goofy. I'm proud to say that I 've saved this part of my mother, because humor is important as regards learning to cope with bad times. In the Army they call it 'resilience.' I call it a survival tactic. So, the the good thing about acting goofy is that it embarrasses the kids, and that is really funny for me. Of course I don't' do it around witnesses. Its more fun to be goofy in private or when people aren't looking --except the kids of course.
The other thing my mother could do well,mw as capture center stage. She was very dynamic and people were drawn to her. In her own way she was attractive and I guess a good word to describe her would vivacious. I would say that I came into my own womanhood, and was secure in my attractiveness, that I could alps be called vivacious.
the problem with my mother is that she only felt good about herself when she was around people when she was drnking. So the good times certainly turned into horror shows. OTOH< when we were home and she was feeling goofy with me and my sister, we could really have some funny times . But those were rare, and I never saw her so that with a boyfriend or her husband.
What a shame.
As for the bad things, I already alluded to that because she did drink alot . And often it resulted in fights with even the police. So my other goal in life was to not get rowdy stupid drunk. In fact to this day, i simply don't care to drink. Why waste the calories?
Another bad thing was that the police would show up to break up fights that I now realize were essentially domestic violence: pushing, shoving, strangling, threatening with knives. My mother and my step fathers , Joe and Steve. i do not ever recall my father being violent even when i lived with him and my step mother. I saw him get angry once and walk away. That is it,. For an Italian it was odd, cause I do not think I even ever heard him raise his voice. Now that I think about it, I've probably modeled my professional self on my father. He was a man that was very much admired. Whereas my mother was not. She was an embarrassment.
So, to start with the good points. My mother was sometimes really funny. She had a very quirky bizarre sense of humor that mostly involved acting goofy. I'm proud to say that I 've saved this part of my mother, because humor is important as regards learning to cope with bad times. In the Army they call it 'resilience.' I call it a survival tactic. So, the the good thing about acting goofy is that it embarrasses the kids, and that is really funny for me. Of course I don't' do it around witnesses. Its more fun to be goofy in private or when people aren't looking --except the kids of course.
The other thing my mother could do well,mw as capture center stage. She was very dynamic and people were drawn to her. In her own way she was attractive and I guess a good word to describe her would vivacious. I would say that I came into my own womanhood, and was secure in my attractiveness, that I could alps be called vivacious.
the problem with my mother is that she only felt good about herself when she was around people when she was drnking. So the good times certainly turned into horror shows. OTOH< when we were home and she was feeling goofy with me and my sister, we could really have some funny times . But those were rare, and I never saw her so that with a boyfriend or her husband.
What a shame.
As for the bad things, I already alluded to that because she did drink alot . And often it resulted in fights with even the police. So my other goal in life was to not get rowdy stupid drunk. In fact to this day, i simply don't care to drink. Why waste the calories?
Another bad thing was that the police would show up to break up fights that I now realize were essentially domestic violence: pushing, shoving, strangling, threatening with knives. My mother and my step fathers , Joe and Steve. i do not ever recall my father being violent even when i lived with him and my step mother. I saw him get angry once and walk away. That is it,. For an Italian it was odd, cause I do not think I even ever heard him raise his voice. Now that I think about it, I've probably modeled my professional self on my father. He was a man that was very much admired. Whereas my mother was not. She was an embarrassment.
My emotional self and thh dumb choices I make
So first of all, let me say, that i've denied that this part of me exists. Why? well, because myfather used to say to me, 'Don't be emotional like your mother.' It was obviuos that was good advice, cause my mtoehr was a train wreck. I always knew it was important not to act like her in order to be loved by my father. So, now I knew what I shouldnt' do, but I had no idea how that trasnlated into acting when emotions were involved.
In that time period, there were no counselors or therapists of group sessions availabel on helath insurance or even in common usgae. That was the time of psychiatrists;lobotomies, and shock therapy. No self help books (especially for children). My granmother raised me, btu she showed very little emotion at all other than displeasure or anger.
Wow, where to begin?
I dont' think I ever had a role model or even figured out that maybe I should look at some of my friends ot learn how to act. I figured I was smart and I had teh answer--do not act like my mother. OTOH, my mpother did have some good qualities.
In that time period, there were no counselors or therapists of group sessions availabel on helath insurance or even in common usgae. That was the time of psychiatrists;lobotomies, and shock therapy. No self help books (especially for children). My granmother raised me, btu she showed very little emotion at all other than displeasure or anger.
Wow, where to begin?
I dont' think I ever had a role model or even figured out that maybe I should look at some of my friends ot learn how to act. I figured I was smart and I had teh answer--do not act like my mother. OTOH, my mpother did have some good qualities.
I am a Smart Woman
I am a smart woman. There is no denying it. I am not being arrogant when i say this. Technically yes, I am smart. Smart as they say in book learning. I am a doctor and I have a high IQ. I learn things quickly, even things I don't like. So why do i make dumb choices in particularly as regards men?
When I look back on 55 years of life (wow, I do NOT feel --or thankfully look-that old), I see how I've lived my life as various people. No I am not a schizophenic, nor do I have successive identities. Instead, I have what I call my professional self and my emotional self. I think in a lot of ways my professional self is based on the adult self I have created and i am proud of her. The emotional self is the one that makes alot of poor choices. Its nice to assign blame, but I really want to know 'why' once and for all, so I can be proud of my emotional self too and maybe, just maybe combine it with my emotional self to be a well rounded person.
When I look back on 55 years of life (wow, I do NOT feel --or thankfully look-that old), I see how I've lived my life as various people. No I am not a schizophenic, nor do I have successive identities. Instead, I have what I call my professional self and my emotional self. I think in a lot of ways my professional self is based on the adult self I have created and i am proud of her. The emotional self is the one that makes alot of poor choices. Its nice to assign blame, but I really want to know 'why' once and for all, so I can be proud of my emotional self too and maybe, just maybe combine it with my emotional self to be a well rounded person.
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