Why I am finally smart

Today I remembered my first love, when I was 20 years old. I flung my heart and soul into the relationship completely, no reservations and in the full and total belief that we would be married. I was joyful and this was unusual for me, an unloved child, I had practically raised myself. His family welcomed me into their lives and home as if I was already a part of it. But he betrayed me. Why did I remember this? Because today I also realized that I do not trust anyone at all completely anymore. And I kept thinking back to distant decades, past relationships, long ago friendships, trying to find and remember that time, that very last time I really was positively filled with hope and love and joy. However, the betrayals in relationships and friendships continued through the years, those long long years, so that it felt like I was gut punched time and again. Each shock so great, I lost my breath from the betrayal after betrayal. I could only breathe when I finally got angry for awhile, because even though I eventually married an OK sort of nice guy later on, I realized deep down that he didn't love me, I was just convenient. Five days into the marriage, he had me quit claim the house to him, and we were divorced less than 12 months later. I was angry, because I was not cherished. And believe me, I didn't start out angry! I literally became angry when it was apparent that I was just a convenience. Twenty years of another marriage--bitter agony and utter horror of that wasted time of my life. I remember the absolute struggle of being weighed down under the That lovely feeling of being in love, the hope, the glory of trust? Gone, blown away, dust and ashes, a dry feeling in my mouth. Too tired to choke on it, I can't be bothered. The last person I loved without reservation, also hurt me and rejected my love. Bitter? No. Angry? No. Hopeful? No.